My life revolves around diaper changes, bottle feedings, cleaning, cooking and taking care of my kids and family from inside the home. I love my kids to death but some days I really can’t handle trying to function through another day. All I know is screaming kids demanding all my time and energy. I don’t know how to be a person away from that. I don’t know who I am outside of all of that. Everyone else who has kids still gets to live out their lives like nothing’s changed. They have friends and family who are supportive and helpful. Us? We are on our own. Tyler’s family is literally on the other side of the country and mine is busy.
My dad’s in jail, possibly facing a seven to eleven year sentence and my grandmother is busy taking care of my mom who has Frederick’s Ataxia. I’ve never felt the whole family vibe thing. I have always felt like a blue spot on a white wall. I don’t belong. I don’t know if I was put here on purpose or on accident but feeling like a blue spot on a white wall is the worst feeling ever because it’s contagious. It spreads to the relationships you have with other people which makes you just want to retreat inside of yourself and not even bother.
But then you’re so depressed because you can’t handle screaming kids day in and day out on top of everything else you gotta do. It’s like your emotions are constantly battling each other. How do I feel today? How do I want to feel? I’ve always had a people anxiety but having kids made it ten times worse because I now no longer know how to function around other people. People freak me out even more than what they used to.
It makes me harbor more resent and hurt feelings towards a certain someone because he got to live out his life, maybe not to his standards but he gets to live his life. Me and Charlotte got left behind like yesterday’s news without a second thought. I devote just about all of me to her and my son and by the end of the day, there’s nothing left for me. He’ll never understand what it is to have kids because he abandoned us. And now I have to face this ass hole whom I haven’t seen in almost two years. Fantastic. I hate you for leaving us out to dry and for not even paying support which is the least that you could do even if you have nothing to do with her but you don’t. And now I have a custody conference coming up within the next two weeks. And I pray that you are the one that put it into motion so that you can sign off on Charlotte already so that I don’t have any more ghosts nipping at my heals.
It’s always looming. That she’s genetically yours and partially legally yours. But if I take a pair of scissors to this I can completely cut you out so that I can run and start things over the way that they should be. All that matters is that she has a daddy that loves her. He’s not biologically her daddy but genetics don’t matter, they never did. A daddy is the person that is there all the time, not the one that walked away and never looked back.
Thoughts inside my head swim like angry sharks and my platform of safety is slowly falling away. I’m waiting till I plunge into the sea, to be eaten alive by hungry sharks. But until that happens, I will cling on as long as I can. And even when I fall into the sea, I will still fight. I will not let these feelings drown me and destroy me. They’re just feelings. I am in control of me.
I hope one day, everything can pan out like it’s supposed to. I want to be able to enjoy personal time with my hubby away from the kids. It is not an asshole thing to say. Everyone needs a break. Kids come with stress. It’s why parents get gray hairs faster than everyone else.
I wish I could reflect on all of the good things that are in my life and what a joy these guys really are to have in my life. But days like today, I just get consumed with this heavy weight of sadness that I cannot move. And then I get claustrophobic and can’t breathe. I just want to be able to understand what it is to have a life outside of screaming kids once in a while. Normal adults do it so why can’t we?